Chapter 1: Our Journey

Dear X,

Do you recall our story? While you may not think about it often, I certainly cannot forget.

You likely wish for my silence, but that won’t happen.

I remember our initial encounter back in middle school. I was in the 8th grade, and you were in the 7th. We crossed paths each morning, thanks to our shared friend group, though we weren’t particularly close at that time.

To be honest, my first impression was that you had an oversized ego, always boasting and trying to outshine others. That superficiality was the main reason I wasn’t interested in being your friend. Your gaze felt empty to me.

Yet, there was that day in the cafeteria when I was jotting down a song that came to me. I titled it:

“Love”

Love is a profound enigma,

Brimming with beauty yet steeped in pain,

Back then, I felt worthless, but you appeared,

An angel who recognized my essence.

You lifted me when I felt frail,

And found me in my darkest hour,

Looking into your eyes assured me,

That everything would be alright.

Please hold on to me,

I need to feel I’m not alone,

Your heart is my sanctuary.

Some things remain constant,

While others shift forever,

But that’s alright,

As long as you’re by my side.

You glanced at my writing and paused. “Wow, that’s really profound,” you remarked, leaning over. “I didn’t know you had it in you. It’s impressive.”

“Thanks… I guess?” I replied, puzzled by your compliment. Given my first impression, I figured you wouldn’t be interested in something as “deep” as writing. That moment made me question if I had misjudged you, but ultimately, I dismissed it.

Turns out, my instincts were correct.

Fast forward to our early twenties. I had recently exited a relationship a couple of months prior to reconnecting with you, while you were in a long-term relationship, living together for about seven years.

Our reconnection began with a playful “Herro” on Facebook from you, which I found charming.

At that point in my life, I felt more grounded compared to our school days. However, the end of my previous relationship had left me feeling vulnerable. I made it my goal to keep my heart open.

“Stay open; don’t shut yourself off. Let the universe guide you,” I told myself.

And the universe led me to you.

We enjoyed late-night drives around town, where I offered you advice about your relationship. Looking back, that should have been a glaring red flag, yet I didn’t see you as a romantic option at the time. Your dishonesty towards your girlfriend, saying you were at the gym while you were with me, flew right over my head.

You later repeated that pattern with us. What a surprise, right?

“If anything happens, cool. If not, that’s fine too,” you said casually about our time together.

That comment disgusted me, but I managed to keep my composure. “Nothing will happen, X. No offense, but I don’t engage with taken men. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, why stay? You’re wasting both your time and hers.”

I was straightforward, yet polite.

“... You might have a point,” you sighed, seemingly regretful. That made me think perhaps you were just a little immature and inexperienced, having never had another relationship. It’s common to cling to first loves, which can hinder growth. We can’t fault people for their ignorance, right? That’s how we learn.

I’ve always been someone who looks for the good in others. Back then, that often led me to excuse negative traits, hoping to find understanding. I was on a quest for the silver lining.

You knew that about me, didn’t you?

As we transitioned to friendship, you broke up with your girlfriend, and I was eager to move out of my parents’ house. Living independently was a desire of mine, but my health complications made it challenging to find work, and I had been denied disability.

You proposed a “perfect” arrangement: I could stay at your apartment while you worked, and we could keep things platonic. I would have my own space and the freedom to do as I pleased.

While you had questionable traits in relationships, you were a supportive friend to me. You showed genuine concern for my well-being, especially after witnessing the toxicity of my home life. Some of my stories brought you to tears, and that touched me. When you offered this solution, I viewed you as a savior.

So, I moved in.

It was autumn 2017.

In the beginning, it was wonderful. I loved organizing and cleaning the apartment, enjoying my own space. When you were at work, I felt pure joy. When you returned, we would hang out, watch movies, or simply talk. It was refreshing.

You showed a keen interest in my thoughts and experiences, which was a rarity for me. Coming from a background where I felt misunderstood, your attention charmed me.

One day, while at the store, you bought me a coffee mug, knowing how much I loved coffee and creating different blends.

It was my first experience with a thoughtful gift.

“Am I not keeping my heart open?” I questioned myself. “Am I not considering him because I’m afraid of love? He genuinely seems to care, and I feel a connection. This is a new experience… maybe it’s okay to let someone in?”

I had a habit of second-guessing myself. I was still learning about parts of myself I hadn’t yet recognized. I had healed many wounds and aimed for self-awareness, yet there was much still to uncover.

You helped me learn those lessons, and I’ll always appreciate that.

I decided to give dating you a chance after moving in, and to put it simply:

I have no regrets. Through you, I learned about narcissism, anti-social personality disorder, love-bombing, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. I realized I was the perfect supply for a narcissist, and you effectively isolated me from others. When you had me under your control, your true nature emerged. You were a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

It was all an act, and you were an excellent performer.

I sensed that on some level, but I loved and appreciated you nonetheless.

As time passed, my intuition began to scream at me. I felt trapped, and I blamed myself for that sensation. I thought I wasn’t grateful enough, that perhaps my depression was clouding my appreciation for the good things in my life. I believed I was losing my mind.

Our relationship was tumultuous, yet I couldn’t walk away. I accepted your excuses and blame-shifting. I feared being alone. It reminded me of “Love,” but I soon realized it wasn’t genuine love I wrote about back then.

It was codependency; a desire to escape my pain.

That last line, “So long as I have you,” made it clear.

I craved validation.

You offered that, and I clung to it. But it was a facade. I soon found myself pregnant and moving back in with my family due to complications. I was cheated on during my pregnancy, and I chose to forgive you, hoping to provide our child a stable family.

Then came the moment that changed everything.

You still refuse to acknowledge it, but I continue to bear the scars of your temper. During a fight, I begged for a conversation. We had agreed to hug it out, but instead, you looked at me with disdain and said, “You really think you deserve a hug after what you did?”

All I did was take a day for myself to unwind with friends at a cookout. I had a few drinks but was careful not to overdo it. I made sure to handle things responsibly, especially regarding our son.

And yet, I was punished.

You began packing up to leave, and I desperately wanted to part on amicable terms for the sake of co-parenting.

I approached the front door, and you tried to block it. I managed to push it open, and then you shoved me.

I was just six weeks postpartum.

I still deal with hip and back pain from that moment. You easily bench over 200 pounds, while I weighed less than 140 at that time. I flew through the hallway, stunned, feeling paralyzed.

My father ultimately had to pick me up off the floor.

When you returned to gather your things, fear made me take a step back from you. I stood there, shocked, as I realized…

This isn’t right.

“You hit me,” I whispered. “You really just hit me?!” I yelled. “What’s wrong with you?! I just want to resolve things peacefully so we can co-parent our son! Why are you acting like this?!”

I attempted to reach you, but my words fell on deaf ears.

You really got to me, X. I nearly let you back in, almost tried to keep “working” on our relationship for our little family. But when I looked at our baby boy… I knew I wanted to show him what real love looks like.

Not the twisted version we shared.

During a disagreement about giving him Tylenol for a mild fever, your anger flared again, and I felt that same fear. It was then I realized our connection was irreparably broken.

I learned my lesson, so I made the choice to leave.

You didn’t handle it well.

Sometimes, I regret not reporting you sooner for your actions. By the time I finally did, it was too late—the statute of limitations had expired. I might have acted sooner if my family hadn’t warned me against it, fearing you would win and take our son from me. They refused to support me.

I pleaded for them to see what I saw. I knew stepping back was precisely what you wanted; you could bide your time and attack later.

They thought I was losing my mind.

In a way, I did. I needed therapy to recover from everything, and it helped tremendously.

But I wasn’t delusional in my predictions. I anticipated you’d be with your parents, but once you saved enough for an apartment? The game would be on. You would challenge me in court, doing everything possible to appear as the ideal parent.

On paper, you really do look that way.

You claimed to be an atheist during our relationship, mocking those with faith. Yet, once we parted, you suddenly adopted a devout persona, attending church and presenting your “best” self to your family.

Fast forward to a year after our court settlement, with me as the primary custodian.

You secured an apartment.

You struck.

And… you prevailed.

You executed everything just as I had foreseen, and my family finally came to trust my account of events. It took your true colors shining through for them to stand by me more firmly.

For that, I thank you.

I focused on my health and well-being instead of seeking employment. Thanks to the damage you inflicted, I now suffer from facet arthropathy in my lower back and a herniated disc. I required both physical and mental therapy to address the harm you caused, and some physical limitations will be lifelong.

Do you have any idea how difficult this has been? I doubt you care, but somewhere deep down, perhaps your soul does. I struggled to hold our son without pain, and if I overexerted myself? I could hardly walk afterward.

I couldn’t even walk properly, X.

And what did I ask of you?

A sincere apology. Taking responsibility. That was all, and I would have let it go. Yet, you couldn’t even provide that.

I wrestled with that for years. I had to reprogram my mind after the chaos you introduced, but I don’t place all the blame on you. I allowed it. It was a lesson I needed, and I’m grateful to have learned it.

I once resented you, even loathed you. I wished you harm.

But now?

I wish you love.

I wish you profound healing, for I know only a fractured soul could inflict such pain. You are indeed empty, X.

May love fill you.

I will reclaim our son one day. You may have won this battle, but you will not win the war. I’m healing and growing stronger than ever. My clarity is sharper now than it has ever been, and this time?

I will trust it, thanks to my experience with you.

What we had wasn’t love, not in the context of our dynamic. However, I believe our souls hold a deep connection. You entered my life to teach me valuable lessons, and I trust I’ve influenced you in my way.

You despised how I perceived you, didn’t you? It intimidated you.

That’s why you’re on a mission to strip me of my power.

You will not succeed, X.

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, thanks to you.

And I will rise.

Thank you for everything— for highlighting my weaknesses. Thank you for demonstrating my resilience and capability to persevere. You pushed me to my limits, and I shattered.

But I’ve rebuilt myself, even better than before.

A part of me will always wish we could coexist peacefully for our beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that’s our destiny.

I will show our son what love looks like.

Just not with you.

I will always love you, X. From the depths of my heart, I truly do.

May you one day comprehend the essence of love.

Chapter 2: Reflections on Healing

This video, titled "A Letter to My Kids | The Fatherhood Project," explores the emotional journey of parenthood and the complexities of relationships. It resonates deeply with the themes expressed in my letter.

As I read this aloud, I felt a mix of emotions: sadness, empathy, joy, and pride. I am proud of my progress.

To anyone facing a similar journey, remember you are not alone. You are deserving of love. Trust yourself; your soul is your ally.

This piece was inspired by a challenge from Joe Merkle, which I highly recommend. A special thanks to Spyder, Diana C., Ravyne Hawke, and the Know Thyself, Heal Thyself community for their support.

Happy writing to all!