A Longing for Certainty: The Envy of the Faithful
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Chapter 1: The Weight of Uncertainty
In a world filled with the devout, I often find myself grappling with feelings of jealousy towards those who have faith. They possess a guide to life, outlining clear paths for behavior, well-defined consequences, and a wealth of history and figures to draw upon.
What do I have? A cocktail of confusion, anxiety, and guilt. A smattering of distractions that include everything from self-doubt to lukewarm potato salad. I sometimes think I’d prefer a "Non-Believers' Guide for Dummies" to navigate this secular maze.
The burden of self-discovery lies heavy on my shoulders. If you’ve ever watched my father attempt to assemble furniture without any instructions, you’d understand my struggle with problem-solving. There’s always that one loose screw, extra washers, and a table that wobbles like a three-legged dog.
Those who encounter spirituality at a young age are fortunate. Discovering God later can feel like trying to catch a glimpse of a shooting star that has already faded.
It's reminiscent of missing out on a legendary concert while stuck in a restroom. Imagine Jimi Hendrix taking the stage and asking for me while the audience erupts in excitement. By the time I returned, everyone was buzzing about how he had called for me, and I had missed my moment.
Chapter 1.1: The Struggle for Belief
I attempted to immerse myself in religion—visiting churches and temples, even praying when times were good. Yet, my efforts to conjure a relatable image of God often felt disingenuous, leaving me frustrated because I tend to be quite gullible.
My explorations have mainly revolved around Judaism, stemming from my father's side, and Christianity, influenced by my mother. I never wanted to appear as a cliche—someone aimlessly seeking fulfillment.
I acknowledge my privileged identity, but I also recognize that being tan doesn’t grant one the ability to speak on behalf of others. My apologies if I seem preachy; I’m just trying to navigate my thoughts.
It's humorous to think that my summer glow might have granted me entry into exclusive places, such as the Vatican. The guards seemed to take my appearance as a ticket in, and I was ushered in while my family remained outside, unable to blend in.
I thought maybe, just maybe, I could find my faith there, but distractions took over. Surrounded by prayers in Italian, I felt out of place, as if the guards were scrutinizing my credentials.
In Israel, an amusing proposition was made to my father—800 camels for my hand in marriage. It's a curious thought, but it highlights how I often feel out of sync with my heritage and identity.
Chapter 1.2: The Quest for Spirituality
I tell others that I’m spiritual, which often elicits raised eyebrows, especially in the heart of Middle America where belief is often black and white. Living in California, my spiritual side would be taken for granted, but here, it feels like a badge of shame.
I wish for a single book that encapsulates all the answers, much like the sacred texts held by the faithful, but grounded in reality.
Thanks to Betsy Denson for her Inspirational Editing and Holly J See and BOF for their invaluable support. A special thanks to Kent Jones for grounding my rock ‘n’ roll musings.
Beware of their JEALOUSY & ENVY when God ELEVATES you❗️This video discusses the challenges and pitfalls that can arise when one experiences elevation in life, particularly regarding the reactions of others.
Session 04: Overcoming Envy with Equanimity - This video offers insights on how to maintain inner peace and balance when faced with feelings of jealousy and envy, providing practical strategies for overcoming these emotions.