The Past Cannot Be Changed

My relationship with my mother was complex. There were times I felt intense frustration, akin to the feelings expressed by Eddie Murphy in his Delirious performance. I often thought, “I can’t stand her!” This usually arose after moments when I felt mistreated.

This part of my life isn’t something I often discuss. However, during heartfelt conversations with close friends, the dynamics of my upbringing surface, leading to the inevitable question: Why didn’t you confront her about your feelings? Why didn’t you seek an apology?

My response is consistently the same: Why bother?

The events are long past, and nothing can change them. Why resurrect old wounds?

The typical responses I receive are twofold:

1. So she can comprehend how her actions impacted you.
2. So she can express regret for her behavior.

But my counterpoint is that my mother likely didn’t understand her actions at the time, nor did I.

She grew up in a different environment and had a distinct worldview. In my cultural background, parents seldom apologized. They were not expected to; children were expected to obey without question.

As we began to socialize with families outside our own community, the differences became apparent. Children had the freedom to express themselves, and parents sometimes apologized for their actions. Coming from a background where I was always in the wrong, it was a revelation.

Most people who question my reluctance to seek an apology tend to come from North American backgrounds, unlike mine. They believe I deserved an apology, which highlights the misconception surrounding apologies.

The Misconception of Apologies

What drives people to seek apologies for past actions? Many claim it’s about achieving closure or ensuring the other person understands their behavior. However, I often wonder if it’s more about wanting the other person to feel guilty. An apology can become a tool for retribution, as if to say, “You hurt me, so now you need to feel that pain too.”

The truth is, an apology only holds value if it is accepted.

Have you ever received an apology and felt insulted because you believed it was insincere? Perhaps they meant it, but their delivery fell short. Regardless, if you don’t accept it, the apology is meaningless.

So, what’s the real motivation behind asking for an apology?

I believe it often stems from a desire to forgive the other person. But if you refuse to accept the apology, you can’t truly forgive. So why put yourself through that emotional turmoil?

When you dig up the past to seek an apology, it can reopen old wounds for both parties. It may either worsen or improve your relationship, but the outcome is uncertain.

It’s detrimental to your well-being to seek an apology without first forgiving the individual. Only then can you move forward, regardless of their response.

Thus, it is crucial to eliminate the intermediary—don’t wait for an apology to forgive.

Forgive for Your Own Peace

Forgiveness is ultimately for your benefit, not theirs. It allows you to move past your history and embrace your future.

By forgiving, you’re not condoning their actions; you’re choosing to release the burden for your own sake. Forgiveness doesn’t need to be vocalized.

When I decided to forgive my mother, I never shared it with her. Today, I harbor no resentment towards her. I reached this point by acknowledging that neither of us could alter the past. I realized that holding onto anger would only hinder my future relationships.

Knowing I wanted to build a family, I recognized the necessity for personal growth. So, I told myself, “I forgive you.”

That’s the essence of forgiveness. It doesn’t require public acknowledgment; it’s a personal decision that gradually alleviates the pain linked to past experiences.

Forgiveness empowers you to accept what has occurred and shape your future. It also lays the groundwork for a renewed relationship with the person you’ve forgiven.

It’s important to note that forgiveness doesn’t equate to forgetting. If you notice similar behaviors in the future, you can assertively state, “I accepted this before, but I won’t tolerate it any longer. Please stop.”

Through forgiveness, you gain the strength to uphold your boundaries and no longer tolerate past mistreatment. If those behaviors persist, forgiveness also grants you the courage to distance yourself from that person—sometimes, that is the most effective solution.

Final Thoughts

While you can wield apologies as a weapon against others, forgiveness serves as a more potent shield.

It equips you with the resilience to create a solid foundation in relationships and the courage to walk away if necessary.

You don’t always need an apology; instead, focus on forgiveness—but remember, do not forget.

The first video titled What to Do When Someone Doesn't Accept Your Apology explores the complexities of forgiveness and the challenges of receiving apologies. It emphasizes understanding the emotional intricacies involved in seeking closure and how it can influence relationships.

The second video titled How To Apologize When You Are Not Wrong provides insights on navigating the delicate terrain of apologies, especially when you believe you are in the right. It discusses the significance of communication and understanding in fostering healthy relationships.