# Discovering Connection After Celibacy: A Personal Journey
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Chapter 1: The Decision to Connect
After spending a considerable amount of time focusing on my personal growth and various projects while on the celibacy path, I reached a point where I felt ready to establish a connection with someone. I decided to give dating apps a shot since my options in rural areas were limited. Living an hour and a half from major cities means online platforms were my best bet, especially given my uncertain relationship with church and its community.
Throughout my experience, I noticed several aspects that could be beneficial for anyone facing a similar dry spell or choosing to be celibate.
I managed to get through our lunch date without feeling overly anxious, approaching it as if it were a job interview. We shared laughs, and the conversation flowed naturally, even though the anticipation leading up to our meeting had me on edge.
The sensation of being touched, even just on the arm, by someone outside my family stirred up all my senses. It wasn't merely a craving for intimacy; it felt like a deep-seated hunger for physical connection. This "skin hunger" can be somewhat alleviated by having a large family that enjoys hugging, yet it still left me feeling like I was indulging in something lacking in substance—like smoking a light cigarette or sipping a low-alcohol drink.
Once the boundaries were crossed and I returned home, my body kept reminding me of the encounter and the desire to repeat it. While men have physical indicators of attraction, women who have practiced long-term celibacy might begin to doubt their own sensuality, thinking their bodies have become unresponsive. However, I realized that mine was very much alive, much to my relief! It felt as if my nerve endings were awakening after a prolonged dormancy.
I took a bath to reflect and process my thoughts, trying to channel the energy that had surged within me. Although I can't provide a visual representation of this experience, I can assure you it helped me concentrate without feeling the need to drive for an impromptu visit daily, allowing me to maintain a semblance of normalcy between our dates.
As emotions coursed through me, I felt all the chemicals in my brain signaling a desire to bond. This is what they are designed to do, and without the distractions from multiple suitors, the connection felt genuine. However, for those who are prone to limerence—an intense infatuation with the idea of romantic attachment—it's essential to remember that sex does not equate to commitment. It lacks the depth of meaningful conversations or the comfort of someone caring for you when you're unwell. It’s merely the exhilarating "New Relationship Energy" (N.R.E.) that can arise with anyone you connect with initially.
Engaging in celibacy can amplify this N.R.E., making it particularly potent. If you're not aware of your tendencies toward sex addiction or limerence, this can be a precarious path to navigate.
In the intervals between our meetings, our conversations were often filled with light-hearted exchanges about our last date and the next time we could meet. I found myself texting him throughout the day about trivial matters, my mental state reminiscent of a giddy teenager.
I had to remind myself to set my phone aside and attend to my responsibilities. Living on a homestead comes with its own set of challenges, including starting a community produce stand, writing, managing social media, painting, and daily studying. This month, my house required significant repairs, so balancing my adult obligations was essential.
The concept of semen retention has been well-documented for its potential to foster spiritual and psychological development. However, less is known about the effects of celibacy on women. I can attest that for a woman with a strong libido, refraining from sexual activity frees up considerable mental space to focus on life goals. Over the past three years, I have accomplished things I once thought impossible. I authored a book, launched this blog, purchased a home that is increasingly becoming a farm, and developed my painting skills. I dedicated time to studying psychology and various belief systems, gaining insights I might have missed if I had been preoccupied with romantic relationships.
The aim of sharing this experience is to shed light on the often-overlooked effects of romance on the nervous system and brain compared to the clarity that comes from being single. The changes during a period of self-focus are profound; accountability increases, stamina for work or creative endeavors heightens, and clarity of thought becomes more accessible than it is when navigating the complexities of being a partner or parent.
While I was deeply engaged in my work and explorations, I realized I had not laughed much or smiled often during those three years. I immersed myself in my projects and self-discovery. The last six months felt particularly challenging; it was as if I was serving a sentence of sorts. I'm uncertain about the future of my romantic life, but I am grateful for the growth I've experienced and the joy of human connection after such a long time spent in a platonic realm.
Just sharing my journey and reflections.